i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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