I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
