EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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