Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
