The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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