Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
