My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
