history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
