So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize