I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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