I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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