Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
