I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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