Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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