i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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