Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
