i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
