they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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