Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
