my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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