So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
