So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
