I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You can't just leave with hair like that
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
