just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
