Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
