oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
