Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize