I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
