Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
