I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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