i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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