We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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