so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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