He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
