I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
