Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
