Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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