Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
