Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
