I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He passed out mid-signature
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
