Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
