get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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