somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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