We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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