I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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