The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
