i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
