I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
COCAINE IS GR8
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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