maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
