i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
