you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
