i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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