no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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