my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
