you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
