go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
