Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
