literally had 100 drinks last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
