Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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